Men hunt, Women nest

I’ve been planning to write this post for some time now, because I want to share information which I think might be very useful to all of us at some point. I learned about this rather recently and I’m glad I came to know about this sooner than later!

I dedicate this post to my friend Y.R., whom I had promised to share this with since a long time now.

Just a warning: this might end up to be a long post, but it’s worth taking the time to read it! I hope you like it.

When a couple is planning to get married in the Catholic Church they must attend a ‘pre-marriage preparation encounter’. The length of the session and the format may vary, but one of the topics normally deals with the (psychological) differences between men and women.

Ishan and I attended our pre-marriage encounter in Mumbai ( Dec. 2002). We heard presentations from a doctor, a priest and a couple who had been married for many years, but we enjoyed the lecture given by the psychologist the most: she was really funny and gave us the most useful piece of information that we use on a daily basis:

“Men and women’s brains are wired differently”.

“What’s so special about that?”, you ask…well, it explains a lot of things, but most of all, it helps us improve our relationship with the opposite gender.

Some background:

Medical, social and psychological scientists have found a lot of evidence that men and women differ not only in their reproductive systems and sexual organs, but also in their blood, bones, muscle, fat and almost as much in the ways in which they think, perceive, love, communicate, respond and cope with stress.

The reasons for these differences lie in genetics, cultural conditioning and parental influence, among other factors.

Consider some of the biological differences. Men’s skin is thicker than women’s, and not as soft. Men have longer vocal chords. Their blood has more red-blood corpuscles. They have broader shoulders and narrower pelvises. They have greater muscular strength, because of which they can carry heavier weights and run faster. In our evolutionary past, these attributes cast them in the role of hunters, protectors and leaders. In the course of hundreds of generations, these physically based roles become culturally reinforced.

Though men have greater muscular strength, women are constitutionally hardier. They live longer and have better endurance to stressful conditions, including fatigue, illness and shock.

The brains of men and women are also different. The human brain has two hemispheres connected by the corpus callosum. The left hemisphere is the verbal brain. We use it when we read a book, write a letter, spell a word, recite poetry. The right hemisphere is the spatial brain. We use it when we recognize a face, paint a picture, solve a geometry problem.

Research has found that in girls, the left hemisphere develops earlier and in boys the, the right one develops earlier. Women are more left-hemisphere or verbally oriented. Men are more right-hemisphere or spatially oriented. Girls often speak earlier, more clearly and in longer sentences than boys. More boys than girls have difficulties in reading, spelling and writing. More men than women do better on IQ tests, girls do better on verbal fluency, boys on mazes.

Research has also found that parts of the corpus callosum (the connection between the two hemispheres) are wider in women. This finding by neuroscientists suggests that there is greater communication between the two hemispheres in women’s brains. This means that both hemispheres in women’s brains focus on a single task. Men use their left hemisphere for verbal tasks and right hemisphere for spatial tasks. Scientists hypothesize that women’s greater access to input from various cerebral regions may at least partly explain why women tend to be more intuitive.

The subtle differences between the sexes in the brain’s structure and funtioning also affect social, emotional and personality differences. Women possess better ability to perceive other’s feelings, to interpret cues from facial expressions and body language, and to read motives and meanings hidden behind other’s words. Women tend to be more concerned with people and relationships, men with facts and goals.

When faced with emotional stress involving anger, hurt feelings or work-tensions, men and women cope differently. Men withdraw into silence or distract themselves in sports, TV, etc. They feel better only if they solve the problem. Women cope by talking to someone they trust, feeling better after talking even if the problem isn’t solved. Without knowing this difference, men may think women talk too much and cut them short or stop listening. Again, without knowing this difference, women may think men are ignoring or neglecting them and force them to talk.

We must not confuse the concept of differences with that of equality. Differences are facts; equality is a social, political and ethical concept. The fact that men and women are different does not make either sex superior. Further, we are after all unique individuals and in that sense, every one of us is different from everyone else.

From the handout by:
Sandra Pavrey-Siqueira, M.A
Counselling – Educational Psychologist

I have not read the book ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’, but just like several other books out there, this one discusses this type of information.

This means that nothing here is ‘new’ (even Seinfeld knows that ‘Men hunt and women nest’), but knowing about this has been very useful to me, not only in my marriage, but it also explains many things in my past relationship with male colleagues in school, at work and with male family members.

In my marriage for example, whenever I want to ask Ishan something, I won’t doing it while he’s driving, reading the newspaper or watching t.v. I know that his brain has a buffer (corpus callosum) that allows him to concentrate only on ONE task. And sometimes, when I feel like just talking, I warn him that whatever I’m going to say does not require a solution from him, so that eliminates any guessing game on his part as to what is it that I want.

What if he doesn’t want to talk about his day at work? I know it’s ok…because in the past, the ‘hunter’ likes to retrieve to his cave (his own space) and doesn’t always like to talk about things that don’t need a solution.

In the past, when I’ve had to deal with male co-workers, bosses or clients I have noticed situations where I speak to someone, but he keeps reading the monitor or a paper. I used to think that this was just RUDE, but now I know that he wasn’t IGNORING me, it was just that my timing was not right. Now that I have a baby boy, I would like to estimulate his left-hemisphere knowing that his right one will develop earlier.

This topic interested me from the very beginning and not too long ago, I was able to go to a ‘follow-up’ session for newlywed couples.

Mostly I heard the same information as I did in the pre-marriage encounter, but I also learned that:

• In a marriage, the spouse ALWAYS comes first, not your parents, not your in-laws, not your friends, or neighbours…not even your children (they grow up and later go to form a family of your own, but you are ALWAYS meant to be with your spouse!)
• Show appreciation (Ladies: guys like to be acknowledged for their goals! Guys: women like to receive gifts and unconditional strokes!)
• Communication and forgiveness are key in your marriage
• Share true communication. Here’s an idea: have a one-to-one session once a week, where you have a meeting with your spouse. It’s your time to talk about whatever you haven’t had the chance to share with each other, be it positive or negative. Always start the session by sharing the positive aspects first.
• It’s also a good idea to share a prayer together – as a couple – as it brings you closer.

“Marriage is a gift from God; what we do with it is a gift to HIM!”